My team of travel buddies left for home this morning while I stayed behind in Maputo in order to continue up to Quelimane tomorrow. I was surprised when I got back to my room and found myself tearful and sullen. I'm sure it had to do with the fact that it was 6 in the morning, I was emotionally exhausted, and it has been a long journey thus far, but also, I was already missing my travel companions.
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alec vanderboom
And then it happened. Our hearts, in that dank and stuffy conference room, began to be strangely warmed.
In our church, we are in the midst of a sermon series about defining moments. It's been really inspiring in lots of ways, but also kind of awkward for me because when I think about these examples of amazing people having defining moments in their lives that are given from the pulpit, I think about my fits and starts and how I love tripping all over myself. I think about how I tend to stick my foot in my mouth and say inappropriate things much more often than I make inspiring speeches like MLK or Moses. I have a dream...that some day I will have a filter between my head and my mouth...
So, as I sit here with 20 minutes to spare before departing for this super-duper important trip where I will be escorting our bishop around beautiful Mozambique, signing new documents to solidify our partnership with our Mozambican brothers and sisters, and essentially beginning a new chapter of ministry, I think, "this is a defining moment, Sarah", followed quickly by, "don't blow this, Sarah."
But then I think about how I'm really lucky that God tends to choose a bunch of jerks and screw ups to do God's work on earth. I mean let's be honest, MLK was no saint, right? A rough personal life. Moses? A murderer. In fact, it wouldn't really be God's work at all if we were already perfect; it would be OUR work. I think God actually likes choosing jerks and screw ups because then it becomes incredibly obvious that God is truly an amazing God. It's like God intentionally chooses those people who need the most work (read: prostitutes, tax collectors, sinners), and uses them just to prove a point: I'm awesome. You're not always awesome. I got this.
This is oddly soothing.
I say all of this to say that this is truly a defining moment in this ministry. I'm so, so, so excited about what God is going to do in us, through this trip, for this partnership And this jerk is incredibly grateful for being chosen.
So, as I sit here with 20 minutes to spare before departing for this super-duper important trip where I will be escorting our bishop around beautiful Mozambique, signing new documents to solidify our partnership with our Mozambican brothers and sisters, and essentially beginning a new chapter of ministry, I think, "this is a defining moment, Sarah", followed quickly by, "don't blow this, Sarah."
But then I think about how I'm really lucky that God tends to choose a bunch of jerks and screw ups to do God's work on earth. I mean let's be honest, MLK was no saint, right? A rough personal life. Moses? A murderer. In fact, it wouldn't really be God's work at all if we were already perfect; it would be OUR work. I think God actually likes choosing jerks and screw ups because then it becomes incredibly obvious that God is truly an amazing God. It's like God intentionally chooses those people who need the most work (read: prostitutes, tax collectors, sinners), and uses them just to prove a point: I'm awesome. You're not always awesome. I got this.
This is oddly soothing.
I say all of this to say that this is truly a defining moment in this ministry. I'm so, so, so excited about what God is going to do in us, through this trip, for this partnership And this jerk is incredibly grateful for being chosen.
This is a generation of people who don't care about rules and regulations and procedures and hoop jumping and "hairballing", but who are instead looking for genuine, authentic connections to a real God whose primary concern is the outsider.
It's been a long and frantic week. As the flood levels rise across Mozambique, the anxiety in my heart mirrors the motion of the water. My friends are stuck; quite literally, they are stranded on rooftops, and time is running short. Meanwhile, relief workers organize food and water drops to the most dire areas. We do all that we can, and then we just do more.
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And the bottom line is that I'm so tired. Between the closing of the year, and planning the ministry agenda for 2013, and organizing the Bishop's trip to Mozambique in April, and pulling together relief efforts, while simultaneously interviewing women who are only 23 and will quite possibly die of the most aggressive breast cancer known to woman-kind... I'm just tired. Today I'm tired. Today I'm road weary. Today I've seen too much suffering. Today I know too much. Crying doesn't change anything, and at the end of the day, I come home to my comfortable bed that hasn't been washed away with the rest of my belongings, but I'm just putting it out there...today, I'm tired.
Yesterday I flew into San Diego for a big, fancy-schmacy social work research conference where I am giving lectures on the progress of my dissertation research thus far. As I slide into this new role of misfit missionary extraordinaire, I realize how much I stick out like a sore thumb at these researchy events now. I have steered from the tried and true path of academic success to pursue something very, very different, and almost everyone gives me distrusting looks as I gingerly step on their tenured toes. And yet, I also fit in perfectly. I know the lingo, I've conducted the studies, I've published the papers...basically, after 5 years of doing academic jumping jacks, I know my shit.
And so I straddle this very weird line. Science versus Religion. Academia versus Ministry.
When I took this job last year, I wrote a post about the importance of the Both/And as I was trying to wrap my head around this funny place in which I find myself. As this idea gains traction and matures in my mind, I'm starting to ask two questions:
- How best do these two worlds of mine collide?
- To what end?
The answer to the first question is sticky. The how. First things first, when two things are new to each other, there should be introductions. ...social science, meet United Methodism.....rigorous research, meet unbridled worship.....informative lecture, meet passionate song.....head, meet heart......truth, meet spirit....
I think this is a good place to start. Let's first get familiar with one another, shall we?
I know there's a lot of ground to cover as these two worlds begin to melt together, but I can see the makings of a beautiful friendship. May this place of fusion be the fertile ground out of which this ministry grows.